I had a very serious moment last Sunday evening, I got very sick. I'll spare you the gory details, but I threw up 6 or 7 times over the course of an hour or two. Because I lost so much fluid at once, I became very dizzy and almost fainted. I found out later that this is not uncommon. But, in the moment when the world went fuzzy and my reflection was that of a zombie, I got scared. So scared that I totally lost it! I dropped to the floor, feet in the air, and called 911. Something very wrong was happening with my body. It was making funny noises. I was feeling a million strange sensations at once. I was worried because of the medication I was on, and to top it all off, I was about to pass out amidst a vomiting episode. Alone in my apartment, this was not the best scenario to be in.
So, the EMTs arrived at my apartment to find me on the floor, a tad more conscious than I had been when I called, but still ghostly pale. Embarrassed, I took a ride to the hospital just to be sure that nothing more serious was going on.
As a child, I took many rides in an ambulance, but there was always someone there with me. My last ambulance ride was alone as well, but I was hyped up on adrenaline. This time, there wasn't anyone familiar with me. My body was in pain. Every fiber of my being was drained and exhausted. I was thinking about the massive bill going to arrive soon for this expensive excursion. I was trying to filter through my cloudy brain to find the relevant medical information like what drugs I was taking, allergies, and other basic medical history. I was cursing myself for not wearing my medical alert bracelet (in case someone had found me unconscious). Most of all, I was dreading telling this same story to the EMTs, then the RN, the MD, and since it was nearly midnight, the covering RN and MD. All the while, my brain was fighting a panic attack, and I could just feel myself in a state of inescapable resistance to the world around me.
The EMTs asked me to get on the gurney, and instead of my usual, "Okay. I know how this goes and I'll just go with the flow" attitude, I felt panicked. Just asking me if he could buckle me in brought me to tears. That's not to say that I was a miserable, blubbery mess the entire time. Admittedly, my dark side came over me once or twice when my parents showed up and there were just too many people in the room asking me too many questions. However, I perked up by the 2nd or 3rd IV bag of fluids, and the end of my hospital stay. I found it hilarious, both in the moment and in retrospect, that amidst my tears and sullen attitude, I kept saying things like "I'm sorry. I'm normally a happy, positive person." I'm sure the EMTs and doctors are used to people not being their 'best selves,' but I was definitely a disaster. Normally doesn't mean just out in the world on a normal day. There was something totally wonky going on because under extreme circumstances of emergency, the presence of the EMTs usually calms me and I have a positive attitude no matter how crummy my body feels, joking around when appropriate. I take pride in making the lives of the health professionals around me joyous. Clearly, that didn't happen last Sunday. I was rather a pain, actually.
Longing for a "reset" button, I didn't really escape the heightened energy feeling until yesterday. As much rest as I was getting, as much amazing support I got from friends and family, I was only happy and recovered on the surface. Thinking I was all better, I returned to work on Thursday. No matter what I did, I couldn't shake this deep seeded feeling that I needed help to feel less anxious. I confided in a coworker (whom I think I drove a little nutty by bouncing about the office, unable to calm down). She suggested Holosync, which is something that I have done before (in principle), but never as an actual meditation, or when I really needed to.
Then, I went to see my PT. He's an awesome guy, and a great friend. I confided in him about not being able to meditate in my usual ways and thinking about this silly idea of taking a doctor's advice to use medications in order to change my brain chemistry. He affirmed what I needed to hear, reminding me that I can change my brain chemistry myself. By changing my environment, I can make changes that will outlast the effect of any anti anxiety medication. In this case, I need to change up the way I meditate. He shared something with me that has been enticing me with increasing frequency as of late.
Have you ever heard of something called binaural beats?
They are basically different frequencies, alternating both in pitch and in which ear you hear them, used to make changes to your brain. You have to use headphones while listening. It is a great tool to use for when you need a more passive meditation and can't seem to get to a calm state without assistance. That is the basic the technique Holosync, and many other, similar meditation series use.
I tried this Brainwave Studio App today, and it seemed to be effective. It helped me slow down my brain a bit, at least. I think I'll alternate using this and my current meditation routine for a while.
Message of the Day: Ask for help, listen to the Universe when it repeats itself, and change up your routine if it serves you.
...Or don't. It won't change my reality. Cheers!
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